I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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