No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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