So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
