I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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