My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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