Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
