Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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