If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
