Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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