He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
