You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
