look no pants
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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