i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
