Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
