Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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