I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
