Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
