mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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