Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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