Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm really busy with my period
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