how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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