So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
