someone threw a dead crab at me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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