if i can run in heels then i can drive
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
