I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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