Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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