i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
