i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
