Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
