don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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