i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize