you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
