My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
