I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
