proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
