I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize