I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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