it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
