I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
