I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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