So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize