i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
