Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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