handjob tips. give me some.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
