i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
