bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize