Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
