i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
