They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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