i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize