is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I didn't notice because vodka
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
