Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
