Life is so much better after having sex.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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