This girl is more easily done than said...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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