How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
