sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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