I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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