i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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