i just sent this text using only my big toe
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize