bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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