dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
