Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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